everything
wrong right now.
1. i got dumped
2. the reasons i got dumped- attacked him, wished misery upon him, threatened, called his friends, thrown his things out, broke his things, kicked him out several times, had a facebook fight with his sister and cousin, and brother.. (after having added his mother who he hasn't seen since he was 7, mind you) so 48 mutal friends can see, along with the 220 other people i have networked with, (people at work, family, friends, people from highschool and other old places of employment) what else have i done to him?(deserves its own # in list of whats wrong)
3. what else have i done to him?- he was my best guy friend for a long time. he knows everything about all of my previous boyfriends, and he knew me while i was fucking around, and how each one ended up and everything! i cheated on 2 of the most recent ones with each other for a couple months, i guess in other words, i "played" them. but come on, im only 22! and they were 28 and 31! they shouldve known better!! but whats crazy is, they both loved me. and then he showed interest and i jumped his bones and him being way closer to my age, it was so much better! (way better than wrinkly balls) and he gave me butterflies!!!!!
4. So I got knocked up.
WHOS BABY WHOS BABY WHOS BABY!
mine mothafuckas!
with the timing, i narrowed it down to two of them. i think my buddy.
I confessed to the older gentlemen that I had been playing them. That I didn't know what I was going to do about it. They wanted her to be theirs. They wanted to get married. They wanted her even if it turned out she wasn't their's. They wanted to raise another man's baby so I could have a family. That is crazy. I'm perplexed as to how they were so forgiving and kind(?) my friend, who wasnt insanely in love with me was the one i picked. i thought we would work out way more than any other relationship ever possibly could. i thought holy shit the stars were in line for us! ive created a fairytale. im going to have a baby by the guy whos been here my whole "growing up" lifetime. i think its a fairytale bc i made out with him when i was like 16 and dated all of his friends, and he met the guys i dated anyway because he was my friend, my confidant. out of these 3 guys, he's the one i wanna know for the rest of my life. he's the one i trust and the one i wanna chase. In summary, I ruined our friendship because I wanted him to love me like a girlfriend.
Sidebar- HE ACTED LIKE HE DID.
This is why I'm furious with him:
1. he was with me the whole pregnancy, has been here since she was born (almost 10months)
2. he allowed me to continue developing my perfect fairytale happy ending. mommy, daddy, baby.
3. when he'd kiss me, itd be so deep and perfect.
4. amazing sex, before, during, and after the pregnancy.
5. i was comfortable being completely naked and flawed in front of him.
6. he stayed out until 5am at a party.
7. the next day he said he was gonna hang out with his friend... but really snuck dress clothes out to his car when i was at work, to go to a christmas wine tasting extravaganza and couldnt tell me, or invite me.
8. does not think that was wrong as fuck.
9. oh, he doesnt have a job, and cannot help me out with bills, but has money to buy some wine and go to a wine party.
10. i kicked him out and he didn't come back.
11. He wont stay the night either.
12. had sex 2 or 3 times after he moved out, and its still amazing, and i feel like love is being made to me and we're so perfect together and this is it. i love him so much. i want to do crazy things to him so he'll never want to have sex with another woman again. i want him to love me.
13. then i realize, that didn't get me any respect from him, im stupid.
14. oh i think i need to be a bitch to him bc he doesnt respect me. that'll earn me it right? authority. demanding it. god you dont have a choice in our life because we have a baby so now we're going to be together forever whether you like it or not!
And then I think, fuck. I'm fucking crazy. Why! Why have I done those terrible things to him? I love him! I just want him to love me and want us to work out and be a cute happy family. I hate him because I know he doesn't. And I hate myself that I'm worrying about all this and life as a single mother and him fucking hating me, and possibly not being a part of our life. I hate myself for apologizing for all the wrong I've done and then thinking, wait, fuck he's fucking me over too. Him not helping really is bad isn't it?
We first started having sex in May of 2008. Found out I was pregnant in July and have been with him ever since. Its a long time, but not a long time at the same time.
5. I can't decide whether or not to apply for child support, i promised I wouldnt. i use it as a threat. I use baby over his head.
6. I dislike his friends because he chooses them over me. I dislike him for that.
I hate how I have so many stories to tell. I hate how I have so much drama. I'm a character.
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