dude

why am i smokin' weed, drinkin' wine, dressed like a skank, searching "lil wayne" and watching rap music videos? is that who i am?

for awhile

like maybe 3 weeks or so give or take a couple days... things have been pretty good with my dear.

then the other day i got to thinking about how much i dislike his family and friends. gosh cant they just disappear?? i hate how i dont even know half of his friends he talks about to me, and then i hate the way his family looks at me, thinks about me, and looks at my baby like shes not apart of their family. anyone that looks at her and doesn't see him is a blind ass fool. youll get your dna test and then you can kiss my ass, people. well i had a freak out moment again. and i lost control of my words and said some horrible things. now i get to beg for forgiveness for the next week. yippee...

forever and ever

He's my boyfriend and I love him. and he loves me. and we love our baby! and our baby loves us!!!

I made vegetable soup last night. It was awesome. sent him a pic of it, and he came over. And we cuddled up buggy boo in bed together, then put her to her bed, and had the best freakin sex ever! lots of kissing!! and then i told him, "guess what? youre my boyfriend and i love you." and then i said "guess what else? YOU LOVE ME TOO!" mothafucka.

you're not leaving me. you're stuck with me forever!

dolly

I went to Petsmart and adopted an adult cat, named Dolly shes awesome! Great with my buggy girl.. cracking us both up. Today was a good day. Thanks Dolly.

the plans

First of all, I have to start my diet and work out plan for real! I have to lose weight and make myself look as hot as I did when he wanted to steal me away from the other two guys, because he was more of my friend back then than recently. He was fun then. And exciting, and those butterflies were crazy! I flash back to this time in my bedroom at my parents, I catch him checking out my ass, in these short ass shorts, and a tiny tight tank top.. and then later he sends me a text message "You looked really sexy today." and then another time, at a party of the guy that was supposedly my boyfriend, i never felt like he was, he was sitting across from me and I was texting him right next to my bf saying "i'd rather be next to you" GOD I LOVED THAT FLIRTING. i love love love love/d it. PLEASE COME BACK. ohhh and this time at south pier, kind of chilly out, he just kinda nudged me, and smiled, and was wearing a leather jacket and thats all it fucking took to turn me into a puddle of gush.

I got drunk at saw Sex in the City with my girlfriends and our moms and then later that night, still drunk, he picked me up and we drove out to who knows where, just driving, I was fantasizing about having sex in a field and snuggling under the stars. Instead I was a silly drunk who stole keys out of someones lawn mower and some signs off their fences. "keep out" etc. I still recall the memory with happiness and a moment of fun, even though it didn't turn out how i wanted. i wonder if he hated dealing with me that night.

what do you think of this?

he had a job. at a plastic manufacturer. he was also selling marijuana. (while on probation for something with guns, possession, and wreckless endangerment.) he quit that job because his friend got fired. he became full time stay at home dad, while i went back to working 40hours a week retail, as i had done my entire pregnancy. i made him stop selling drugs. used baby as the excuse why he needed to. he did not do this in my apartment by the way and he didnt keep anything here. i told him i felt in danger. he's a good guy. he stopped. he has stopped smoking too bc of the chance of a drug test prior to employment because thats what hes doing, looking for a job. sort of. hes living at his grandmothers now... he isnt watching our sweet girl so much anymore because he pisses me off and i dont let him, and now hes refusing to since hes dumped me.

next problem: whos going to watch her when im at work if my parents cant???

I feel terrible that I have to even go to work. I would kill to be a stay at home mom. I want to teach her things and do things with her and take her places, I want to show her the world and watch each of those tooths pop in and see her first steps, because they're coming! and I am so proud of her and I love her more than anything! And its okay if dadda leaves because we still got each other and my family, and thats the whole world. she'll always be happy and have the things she needs, except dadda.

Maybe we can share her. Dude if we dont get back together then I dont ever want to see him again. He can fuck out of our lives.

a good day to start a blog

the first entry is always so confusing to write. where do i begin? im going to list

everything

wrong right now.

1. i got dumped

2. the reasons i got dumped- attacked him, wished misery upon him, threatened, called his friends, thrown his things out, broke his things, kicked him out several times, had a facebook fight with his sister and cousin, and brother.. (after having added his mother who he hasn't seen since he was 7, mind you) so 48 mutal friends can see, along with the 220 other people i have networked with, (people at work, family, friends, people from highschool and other old places of employment) what else have i done to him?(deserves its own # in list of whats wrong)

3. what else have i done to him?- he was my best guy friend for a long time. he knows everything about all of my previous boyfriends, and he knew me while i was fucking around, and how each one ended up and everything! i cheated on 2 of the most recent ones with each other for a couple months, i guess in other words, i "played" them. but come on, im only 22! and they were 28 and 31! they shouldve known better!! but whats crazy is, they both loved me. and then he showed interest and i jumped his bones and him being way closer to my age, it was so much better! (way better than wrinkly balls) and he gave me butterflies!!!!!

4. So I got knocked up.

WHOS BABY WHOS BABY WHOS BABY!

mine mothafuckas!

with the timing, i narrowed it down to two of them. i think my buddy.

I confessed to the older gentlemen that I had been playing them. That I didn't know what I was going to do about it. They wanted her to be theirs. They wanted to get married. They wanted her even if it turned out she wasn't their's. They wanted to raise another man's baby so I could have a family. That is crazy. I'm perplexed as to how they were so forgiving and kind(?) my friend, who wasnt insanely in love with me was the one i picked. i thought we would work out way more than any other relationship ever possibly could. i thought holy shit the stars were in line for us! ive created a fairytale. im going to have a baby by the guy whos been here my whole "growing up" lifetime. i think its a fairytale bc i made out with him when i was like 16 and dated all of his friends, and he met the guys i dated anyway because he was my friend, my confidant. out of these 3 guys, he's the one i wanna know for the rest of my life. he's the one i trust and the one i wanna chase. In summary, I ruined our friendship because I wanted him to love me like a girlfriend.

Sidebar- HE ACTED LIKE HE DID.

This is why I'm furious with him:

1. he was with me the whole pregnancy, has been here since she was born (almost 10months)

2. he allowed me to continue developing my perfect fairytale happy ending. mommy, daddy, baby.

3. when he'd kiss me, itd be so deep and perfect.

4. amazing sex, before, during, and after the pregnancy.

5. i was comfortable being completely naked and flawed in front of him.

6. he stayed out until 5am at a party.

7. the next day he said he was gonna hang out with his friend... but really snuck dress clothes out to his car when i was at work, to go to a christmas wine tasting extravaganza and couldnt tell me, or invite me.

8. does not think that was wrong as fuck.

9. oh, he doesnt have a job, and cannot help me out with bills, but has money to buy some wine and go to a wine party.

10. i kicked him out and he didn't come back.

11. He wont stay the night either.

12. had sex 2 or 3 times after he moved out, and its still amazing, and i feel like love is being made to me and we're so perfect together and this is it. i love him so much. i want to do crazy things to him so he'll never want to have sex with another woman again. i want him to love me.

13. then i realize, that didn't get me any respect from him, im stupid.

14. oh i think i need to be a bitch to him bc he doesnt respect me. that'll earn me it right? authority. demanding it. god you dont have a choice in our life because we have a baby so now we're going to be together forever whether you like it or not!

And then I think, fuck. I'm fucking crazy. Why! Why have I done those terrible things to him? I love him! I just want him to love me and want us to work out and be a cute happy family. I hate him because I know he doesn't. And I hate myself that I'm worrying about all this and life as a single mother and him fucking hating me, and possibly not being a part of our life. I hate myself for apologizing for all the wrong I've done and then thinking, wait, fuck he's fucking me over too. Him not helping really is bad isn't it?

We first started having sex in May of 2008. Found out I was pregnant in July and have been with him ever since. Its a long time, but not a long time at the same time.

5. I can't decide whether or not to apply for child support, i promised I wouldnt. i use it as a threat. I use baby over his head.

6. I dislike his friends because he chooses them over me. I dislike him for that.

7. my finances are in horrible condition. i havent paid my bills i need money!

I hate how I have so many stories to tell. I hate how I have so much drama. I'm a character.